Forgive me for my moments of Weakness

Today started off with someone banging on my door a little after 6am, yelling that I had horses out on the road.  After running to put on proper clothing, and seeing that the majority of my horses were visible in my field, I returned to the door and insisted that they did not belong to me.  After a few minutes of arguing with the woman, and directing her to the correct owner, I still went up to verify that I did not need to bring horses home (pretty easy considering one was a paint and I do not own any paint horses).

This then led me up to the barn for some early morning stall cleaning, bucket filling, and jamming out to old music.  My wonderful friend Deb sent me a pretty badass playlist on Spotify (if anyone wants it just follow me and I'll forward it to you!) full of songs that we all love and sing at the top of our lungs when they come on the radio.  Most of them are from the 90's, with some older and a few from more recent years.  Long story short, I'm in the barn before I've had any coffee, running on little to no sleep, and Cher's "Life after Love" comes on.

I have probably not heard this song in years, and I just had to chuckle to myself.  It is no secret that I am single, and that I was fairly crushed by my breakup this past spring.  Even though I had some fabulous girlfriends, and half a brain in my head, that told me while I had very strong feelings for Oran I know it is best that we parted ways (huge shoutout to all of my wonderful friends who helped me!)  Come on though- let's be honest here- and it still fucking hurt.  My heart was pretty much crushed, especially when I remembered that I live an amazing life and have a lot going for me, while he has kind of fizzled out and sputtered to a stall.  Like Cher pointed out though, "you're gonna be the lonely one" (meaning him), made me feel a bit better.

The funny thing about dating in our generation is this lovely thing we call social media.  When Oran and I first broke up I deleted him as a friend on Facebook, but still had his number in my phone, and we could still message on Facebook.  I could still see everything on his profile, and he on mine.  We ended up in that whole "we can be friends on Facebook" stage, where he liked all of my stuff, and we made passive-aggressive comments on each other's posts.  It finally clicked that I need to cut all strings (haha take your own advice woman!) and I blocked him on Facebook, deleted his number out of my phone, and ta-da I felt like a million bucks.

Now, when I got a new phone and had all of my data restored I ended up with his number back in my phone.  And long story short I had to send him a text laughing about how our text message thread was now back in my phone and from when we were together.  Fine?  I guess, as long as the texting was kept to a minimum and there was no talk of seeing each other.  This has been fine, we talk a little bit of shit about football- GO PACK GO!- and I actually had a technology crisis about a week ago that he helped me fix without me feeling like a dumbass.  We don't talk about anything serious, or even ask how the other person is doing.  Yet, I know it is still wrong.  I know that this is just keeping the connection alive, even if it is miniscule.

I then crossed a line yesterday, and I wish I could take it back, because it sparked feelings I should not be having.  I am still blocked from his Facebook page, he is still blocked from mine, but he has not blocked my mom from his page.  I had to sign into her page yesterday to get an address for her, and while I was on there thought it would be harmless to check out his page.  I was immediately irritated at some of the posts on his wall, and also smiled because I noticed he has put on weight and still has a nasty beard.  I didn't stay on there long, but it was just long enough for me to realized that I jacked up, and need to cut all ties again.  Hence, his number is not blocked back out of my phone.

Dating in our generation is trashed by the social media.  He lives 4.5 hours away from me now, there is no chance that we are running into each other until maybe at a mutual friend's wedding in January.  I shouldn't even be thinking about that though- I should be focusing on myself and not worried that I will see him then.  I shouldn't care.  But because we can still have this connection through the internet, I remember that he exists.  One of my other ex's got married a couple of weekends ago, and I found myself going through the pictures that his mom shared on Facebook, and then clicking on his page to see if there were some more.  This is WRONG!!  Do all of you hear me?  It does not matter that he and I have been separated for almost 7 years, the fact that I still went and looked shows that I have not 110% let go.  Would I ever get back together with him? Hell to the mother-effing no!  But had it not been for social media I would probably have never known he was getting married, hence I wouldn't have a care in the world about it.

A good friend of mine told me the other day that she went and looked for her ex on Facebook, despite them being separated for over a year.  She laughed at the fact that he didn't have a job, was 3x the size he had been when they were together, etc. etc.  It is still wrong though!  We shouldn't be able to do this!  I wish that when we broke up with someone there was an option on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. that allowed you to click "I cannot search for this person, because I am better off without them, and I don't give a damn!"  Then, when we began to type their name into a search bar a message popped up and said "Hey! You're fabulous and he/she is gone, go do something for yourself!"

I cannot stop myself from thinking about him when things come up that we did together, or when I see something that reminds me of him.  But I should be able to just believe that he is happy (or miserable, whichever you want to think about your ex!) and not have to go looking for proof or evidence of the opposite every time I am bored.  Maybe this is a part of the reason I am still single 6 months after ending the relationship?  Because I cannot let go of these little lingering curiosities?  Maybe it is because I am hardly busy enough to sleep, let alone look for someone.  Who knows.  I know that I will find someone eventually, even if it is for a short period of time and he breaks my heart as well.  I am, however, finished with the searching through Facebook.  I am making a promise to myself to be stronger, and maybe when I want to search for him I will instead get away from the computer and reward myself with a piece of chocolate, or a shot of tequila?, either one sounds better than seeing what he is up to!

We got this girls!  And when this life continues to make things difficult, we will come out stronger.  Let them look at us and know that we are living life fine without them, and honestly we shouldn't give them the time of day.  Cut the ties- hell if anyone feels the need to look up an ex just shoot me a message.  I'll do my best to have some witty line to tell you why it is a bad idea!  And now I am off to jam to some old music and enjoy my day on the farm with the best men in my life, my horses!