Forgive me for my moments of Weakness

Today started off with someone banging on my door a little after 6am, yelling that I had horses out on the road.  After running to put on proper clothing, and seeing that the majority of my horses were visible in my field, I returned to the door and insisted that they did not belong to me.  After a few minutes of arguing with the woman, and directing her to the correct owner, I still went up to verify that I did not need to bring horses home (pretty easy considering one was a paint and I do not own any paint horses).

This then led me up to the barn for some early morning stall cleaning, bucket filling, and jamming out to old music.  My wonderful friend Deb sent me a pretty badass playlist on Spotify (if anyone wants it just follow me and I'll forward it to you!) full of songs that we all love and sing at the top of our lungs when they come on the radio.  Most of them are from the 90's, with some older and a few from more recent years.  Long story short, I'm in the barn before I've had any coffee, running on little to no sleep, and Cher's "Life after Love" comes on.

I have probably not heard this song in years, and I just had to chuckle to myself.  It is no secret that I am single, and that I was fairly crushed by my breakup this past spring.  Even though I had some fabulous girlfriends, and half a brain in my head, that told me while I had very strong feelings for Oran I know it is best that we parted ways (huge shoutout to all of my wonderful friends who helped me!)  Come on though- let's be honest here- and it still fucking hurt.  My heart was pretty much crushed, especially when I remembered that I live an amazing life and have a lot going for me, while he has kind of fizzled out and sputtered to a stall.  Like Cher pointed out though, "you're gonna be the lonely one" (meaning him), made me feel a bit better.

The funny thing about dating in our generation is this lovely thing we call social media.  When Oran and I first broke up I deleted him as a friend on Facebook, but still had his number in my phone, and we could still message on Facebook.  I could still see everything on his profile, and he on mine.  We ended up in that whole "we can be friends on Facebook" stage, where he liked all of my stuff, and we made passive-aggressive comments on each other's posts.  It finally clicked that I need to cut all strings (haha take your own advice woman!) and I blocked him on Facebook, deleted his number out of my phone, and ta-da I felt like a million bucks.

Now, when I got a new phone and had all of my data restored I ended up with his number back in my phone.  And long story short I had to send him a text laughing about how our text message thread was now back in my phone and from when we were together.  Fine?  I guess, as long as the texting was kept to a minimum and there was no talk of seeing each other.  This has been fine, we talk a little bit of shit about football- GO PACK GO!- and I actually had a technology crisis about a week ago that he helped me fix without me feeling like a dumbass.  We don't talk about anything serious, or even ask how the other person is doing.  Yet, I know it is still wrong.  I know that this is just keeping the connection alive, even if it is miniscule.

I then crossed a line yesterday, and I wish I could take it back, because it sparked feelings I should not be having.  I am still blocked from his Facebook page, he is still blocked from mine, but he has not blocked my mom from his page.  I had to sign into her page yesterday to get an address for her, and while I was on there thought it would be harmless to check out his page.  I was immediately irritated at some of the posts on his wall, and also smiled because I noticed he has put on weight and still has a nasty beard.  I didn't stay on there long, but it was just long enough for me to realized that I jacked up, and need to cut all ties again.  Hence, his number is not blocked back out of my phone.

Dating in our generation is trashed by the social media.  He lives 4.5 hours away from me now, there is no chance that we are running into each other until maybe at a mutual friend's wedding in January.  I shouldn't even be thinking about that though- I should be focusing on myself and not worried that I will see him then.  I shouldn't care.  But because we can still have this connection through the internet, I remember that he exists.  One of my other ex's got married a couple of weekends ago, and I found myself going through the pictures that his mom shared on Facebook, and then clicking on his page to see if there were some more.  This is WRONG!!  Do all of you hear me?  It does not matter that he and I have been separated for almost 7 years, the fact that I still went and looked shows that I have not 110% let go.  Would I ever get back together with him? Hell to the mother-effing no!  But had it not been for social media I would probably have never known he was getting married, hence I wouldn't have a care in the world about it.

A good friend of mine told me the other day that she went and looked for her ex on Facebook, despite them being separated for over a year.  She laughed at the fact that he didn't have a job, was 3x the size he had been when they were together, etc. etc.  It is still wrong though!  We shouldn't be able to do this!  I wish that when we broke up with someone there was an option on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. that allowed you to click "I cannot search for this person, because I am better off without them, and I don't give a damn!"  Then, when we began to type their name into a search bar a message popped up and said "Hey! You're fabulous and he/she is gone, go do something for yourself!"

I cannot stop myself from thinking about him when things come up that we did together, or when I see something that reminds me of him.  But I should be able to just believe that he is happy (or miserable, whichever you want to think about your ex!) and not have to go looking for proof or evidence of the opposite every time I am bored.  Maybe this is a part of the reason I am still single 6 months after ending the relationship?  Because I cannot let go of these little lingering curiosities?  Maybe it is because I am hardly busy enough to sleep, let alone look for someone.  Who knows.  I know that I will find someone eventually, even if it is for a short period of time and he breaks my heart as well.  I am, however, finished with the searching through Facebook.  I am making a promise to myself to be stronger, and maybe when I want to search for him I will instead get away from the computer and reward myself with a piece of chocolate, or a shot of tequila?, either one sounds better than seeing what he is up to!

We got this girls!  And when this life continues to make things difficult, we will come out stronger.  Let them look at us and know that we are living life fine without them, and honestly we shouldn't give them the time of day.  Cut the ties- hell if anyone feels the need to look up an ex just shoot me a message.  I'll do my best to have some witty line to tell you why it is a bad idea!  And now I am off to jam to some old music and enjoy my day on the farm with the best men in my life, my horses!

Still Riding the High- Dunnabeck 2014

Wow- I still cannot believe that Dunnabeck has come and gone.  It feels like ages since I have sat down to write here, and while the event was just a couple of days ago, real life kicked my butt from the get-go and I feel like it was weeks ago.  This thought makes me very sad, but then I reflect on what an awesome week/month/weekend it was and I am already pumped up for next year and coming up with huge plans!

This year at Dunnabeck was by far the best one yet that I have attended- which is fortunately all buut 2(?) or maybe 3.  Dunnabeck is home to me.  I remember years ago, when I was a little kid, thinking that all of my eventing goals were wrapped up into running the recognized horse trials at Queeny Park.  While I adore Queeny, it makes me laugh a bit to see how sheltered I was in my vision.  I have been fortunate enough to compete my horses at some pretty prestigious events/venues; the Kentucky Horse Park, the Virginia Horse Center, Chattahoochee Hills, Wayne/Maui Jim, Southern Pines/Carolina Horse Park, etc.  But nothing gives me butterflies like competing here at Dunnabeck, with all of my friends and family.

 

 

This year I got really ambitious and decided to compete 3 horses, something I have only attempted once and it nearly killed me.  But I figured that I was close enough to home and there were enough barn friends floating around that I could snag some help if I needed it. Thankfully my wonderful friend Maggie and my fantastic mom showed up ready to rock n' roll, and knocked out 6 rides between dressage and cross country like a NASCAR pit crew.  I cannot thank them enough for all of their hard work and (thanks again mother) people wrangling so I could stay focused all weekend.

 

 

A huge shoutout to everyone who helped make this event possible- there are too many names for me to list because I'm trying to crank this out before I head to class.  But big ones go to Mark and Jill- who always run such a wonderful event and who I cannot thank enough for letting me be a part of this wonderful barn family.  Colleen Mills who ran around like a crazy person trying to get things organized while also handling a kid/pony combination, Amelia Stratman who stepped up once again and filled a huge hole in order to get things done (the best sass in the world!), Latisha and Kenny- they just rock!, and all of the other parents who ran around and did little things.  Thank you!

 

 





I have to add a quick reflection of my weekend and then tell everyone why this is the best barn family in the world and you all should be jealous.  While my weekend was great- all three horses stayed in the Dressage ring and the scores were not terrible, they all cantered clear around the cross country, I remembered where I was going, and they all gave me good rounds in the show jumping.  I was unhappy with myself at first, I could have easily made time on Goose on the cross country, and then ridden him more forward in the show jumping, fixed my mistake and not had the rail, and probably could have won (Even though I am SO THRILLED for Lacey, her story is incredible and I could not have been happier for her to get the blue- sorry to everyone else in the division, I am just still smiling from ear to ear for her) and I was disappointed about not winning at first.  Everyone wants to win.  Then I thought about how easy Goose made everything feel, from the flat work that is still coming, to the cross country where he skipped around, and how much jump he still had on Sunday, and I realized that I did win.  I got enough entries for us to make running the Preliminary a success, and my horse made it feel like cake.  I will be better for him next time.

And while I was very disappointed in myself for my rails on the young horses, they both finished their first events ever much more confident than they went in.  And while I would have loved to have brought home ribbons on both of them as well, this is part of the game.  It is all a learning experience, and I came away from the weekend much happier than I went into it.  I feel like I won!

Now- there are too many people for me to give shoutouts to, and too many people rocked this weekend.  But my barn family is better than your barn family for so many reasons, but the main one being all the smiles we had all weekend.  No matter what was going on for one specific combination, they still showed up to cheer on everyone else.  There were tons of hugs, smiles, cheers, and tears to go around.  I'm pretty sure they could hear us yelling at Flying Cross when someone did well.  We had people conquer the water, their first event, their show jumping nerves, and much much more.  Some people realized that they need to take a deep breath, others that they need to go to the stick sometimes.  But all in all, everyone supported everyone else, and we ran around all 2 full barns helping one another.  This really is the best sport in the world, and my friends are the best ones anyone could ask for.

I am so bummed that I have to wait another year for Dunnabeck to come around again, but I'm ready to begin planning now!  Who is with me.  Congrats to all of our winners, of the million awards we gave out :-) , and I hope everyone had as good of a time as I did.

Some quick shoutouts! Because I have to.

Deb- for kicking ass at her first Preliminary back in 2 years! I love you and that little red horse.
Amelia- for running herself into the ground, defying a difficult summer, and letting it all go in the ring for an awesome win in a huge division.  You've earned it girl!
Emily- for taming the wild man and finishing in style, with a pretty pink ribbon. I hope we have you hooked!
And Amberlyn for taking names in the starter and adding a blue to your collection

Last but not least- our fearless leader Jill.  Who puts up with all of our crazy antics, manages to be there for everyone on this insane weekend, and always makes me feel better after I ride like crap.  We love you and could not do this without you!

Until next year my friends